The Power of a Single Word: Why “But” Matters
Let’s start with a quick question: have you ever offered feedback or advice only to sense the other person shut down as soon as you said “but”? It’s remarkable how a single word can undo the positives, create defensiveness, and leave people feeling undervalued.
For leaders and newly coaches alike, language is a powerful tool that can build trust or erode it in an instant. While “but” might seem harmless, it often negates what came before, subtly altering the message we’re trying to convey.
In this post, I’ll explore how “but” (and its cousins like “however” and “nevertheless”) can impact conversations and offer some easy swaps to make your feedback feel more collaborative and constructive.
Why Does “But” Get a Bad Rap?
In conversation, “but” acts as a hard stop. It effectively cancels out whatever was said before it. Imagine telling a team member, “I really appreciate the effort you put into this, but you need to improve on accuracy.” Chances are, all they heard was, “You need to improve on accuracy.” In that moment, the appreciation has been erased. Or your partner says, "I love you but"...
This effect isn’t just anecdotal – research in psychology and linguistics shows that words like “but” can make listeners feel contradicted or dismissed, closing down the conversation rather than opening it up.
The “But” Family: Common Synonyms
People often try to soften “but” by using synonyms, but these words have similar effects:
However – A more formal way of saying “but,” though it still marks a contrast.
Nevertheless – Often sounds dismissive, especially if it precedes constructive criticism.
Although – A less intense contrast but still a bit conditional; can come across as half-hearted.
Yet – Sometimes sounds as if the speaker is holding back support or approval.
The trouble with these words is that they signify a contradiction, signaling that one idea is at odds with another.
So what are the alternatives to “But”
Try some of these alternatives that invite dialogue instead of resistance.
Use “And” Instead of “But”
A simple swap with a big impact. By saying “and” instead of “but,” you let both parts of the sentence stand, giving the listener the sense that both ideas are true and important.
Example:
“I appreciate your effort, and with a few adjustments, we’ll be on target.”
This approach not only keeps the appreciation intact but also frames the need for improvement as a shared goal.
Why It Works: Using “and” signals that both ideas are connected and doesn’t invalidate the first part of your sentence. It creates an inclusive, collaborative feel that’s more likely to encourage an open response.
Try “While” or “Even Though” for Gentle Contrast
Using “while” or “even though” provides a balanced contrast without negating the original sentiment.
Example:
“Even though we’re making great progress, there’s still some room for improvement.”
This way, you’re acknowledging progress while pointing out areas for growth, all without coming across as contradictory.
Why It Works: “While” and “even though” gently nudge the listener to consider both parts of the statement as complementary rather than opposing. They also make room for ambiguity, which feels more open-ended and flexible.
Add “At the Same Time” to Create Balance
“At the same time” acknowledges one point while offering a second perspective, inviting the listener to consider both ideas as equally important.
Example:
“Your presentation was engaging. At the same time, let’s focus on tightening up the data points to make it even stronger.”
Why It Works: This phrasing respects the value of what’s been done well while adding constructive feedback, making it feel like a shared journey toward improvement.
Or you can pause instead of adding a contrasting word
Sometimes, less is more. When you pause instead of adding “but,” you allow both ideas to stand on their own, creating more space for the listener to absorb both parts.
Example:
“You did an impressive job on this project.” [Pause] “Let’s explore some ways to take it even further.”
Why It Works: The pause removes the contrast altogether, giving equal weight to praise and constructive feedback. The listener is more likely to feel fully appreciated before considering the next step.
Practical Tips for Shifting Away from “But”
Practice Rephrasing – Try swapping “but” for “and” or other alternatives in everyday situations, even in personal settings, to develop the habit.
Pause and Reflect – Before responding in feedback scenarios, take a breath and think about how to structure the sentence without using “but.”
Invite Feedback from Colleagues – Ask a colleague or friend to observe your language in feedback situations and point out where “but” sneaks in. The extra awareness can help you make shifts in real time.
Use Written Prompts for Rephrasing – Write down examples of feedback you commonly give, then rewrite them without “but” as practice. Seeing the difference on paper can make it easier to change your approach verbally.
A Small Shift, a Big Impact
Making the shift from “but” to more constructive language can seem small, but its impact on conversations and relationships is profound. When we connect ideas rather than contrast them, we build a foundation of respect, clarity, and collaboration. And in the end, isn’t that what leadership and coaching are all about?
By replacing “but” with something more inviting, we open up conversations to possibility rather than resistance. So give these small tweaks a try, and see how they transform the way you connect with others.
Try one of these replacements in your next feedback session or coaching conversation, and notice how the shift feels for you and your listener. Have you tried any other language tweaks that made a difference? Let me know in the comments!
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